Please don't give up the day job

I feel I must warn you now that this evening's post will not make for comfortable reading. The subject matter makes me cringe somewhat, and I have been putting off bringing this up for some time. But I can no longer ignore it. An inevitable evil. Such as taxation, death and politicians. Not nice but unfortunately very difficult to ignore.

This is something that comes around every year and no matter how much you try to avoid it, it will always seek you out. There really is no place to hide.

The dreaded FA Cup Final song.

Cardiff City and Portsmouth have already released their offerings for this year. Cardiff City’s official FA Cup Final song is "Bluebirds Flying High" by James Fox. Portsmouth have plumped for "Pompey Till I Die" by The Fratton End. Click on the links to listen. If I had to choose between the two, Cardiff’s effort would get my vote. Followed very closely by pulling out all my own teeth.

I have always found the annual Cup Final songs particularly bad. Footballers trying to sing. Players pretending to be hip, trendy and “with it”. Naff and cheesy tunes. Awfully choreographed videos. In the football world generally there have been some commendable efforts which include “Three Lions” by Baddiel, Skinner & Lightening Seeds and “World in Motion” by EnglandNewOrder, the latter spoilt somewhat by John Barnes attempts at rapping. And those two only really appeal as novelty tracks as opposed to anything remotely close to decent music. But when it comes specifically to FA Cup Final songs, they exist in a (sub)class of their own.

Here are the top five best performing FA Cup Final songs, based on record sales. In reverse order:

<5> Liverpool FC “The Anfield Rap (The Red Machine In Full Effect)” (1988).

Just what is it with those reverse baseball caps, sun glasses and gold chains? No, no, no. Written by Craig Johnston, it is no wonder he later escaped to Australia. The video features ludicrous mock streetwise appearances from Grobbelaar, Staunton, Whelan, Rush, Dalgleish and Hansen. And more Barnes rapping; "[Liverpool] don't just play they can rap as well." Sorry fellas, but you can't rap. And you really shouldn't.

<4> Tottenham Hotspur FA Cup Final Squad “Ossie’s Dream (Spurs Are On Their Way To Wembley)” (1981)

Why would a very good player and a half decent manager lower himself to this level? The least the producers could have done is dubbed Osvaldo Ardiles' painful efforts to pronounce the name of his club. This makes me feel physically ill each time I hear it. I keep a bucket by the sofa just in case I am caught unawares whilst watching an old recording of TOTP2. I can picture the video now, Chas (or is it Dave?) on the piano and Dave (or is it Chas?) on the drums, both framed with the Spurs squad waving scarves and flags and miming along. And Ossie's pathetic miming come to that. Pass the bucket.

<3> Chelsea FC "Blue Is The Colour" (1972)

Probably one of the genre defining FA Cup Final tracks. In 1970 we had the memorable England Word Cup squad offering of "Back Home" and the 1972 Chelsea record, which peaked at number five in the charts, was in the same vein. Nothing too complicated, a slightly plodding, dull tune, with mass team singing. Worryingly for me, I think I know all the lyrics and I can't stop humming this one as I write this post. Maybe it's the quality of the lyrics. "So cheer us on through the sun and rain, cos Chelsea, Chelsea is our name." Erm, maybe not.

<2> 1996 Manchester United FA Cup Squad "Move Move Move (The Red Tribe)" (1996).

Instantly forgettable. Reached number six in the charts. Don't ask me how. I'm not sure which was worse; the awful monotonous synthesised beat or the video of Schmeichel, Pallister, Giggs, Butt, Neville and others looking completely and utterly uncomfortable. Even Eric Cantona looks uncharacteristically uncool. Oh dear.

<1> Manchester United Football Club “Come on you Reds” (1994)

I can’t decide whether this is an awful Status Quo track made worse by this Manchester United effort or a bad song ruined even more because a Status Quo track was purloined. This track was number one for two weeks and spent fifteen weeks in the charts. Wet Wet Wet knocked them off the top spot with "Love Is All Around" which kind of further illustrates the type of crap music people were prepared to buy in 1994. Stick to the football lads.

My favourite ever football song? If I was forced to choose, it would have to be Bell & Spurling's lyrically excellent Sven Sven Sven 2002 [World Cup Version]. "Little Michael Owen did the Argies with his pace and handsome Martin Keown will scare them with his face". It starts with a classic thirty second audio clip of Jonathan Pearce's radio commentary of David Beckham's free-kick goal against Greece that sent England to the 2002 World Cup finals which sends shivers down my spine every time I hear it.

Now that's more like it.

A continental break

As our Eurostar train emerged from the tunnel English-side on Saturday afternoon my mobile phone signalled an incoming text. It was POSH mate explaining that he was sat in a beer garden, in the warming May sunshine, supping a pint of real ale poured straight from an oak barrel an hour before Peterborough United's final game of the season. Painting a quintessentially English scene the contrast to my couple of days in Paris was quite timely. I was back in Blighty just in time for the Saturday afternoon videprinter. Our family continental break had been planned for sometime; the arrival back on home shores in time to catch the last throws of a fading season was purely coincidental.

The speed at which we can travel nowadays still, at times, takes me by surprise. Yesterday I was eating crêpes with my wife and son on the steps of the Trocadéro overlooking the Eiffel Tour in the morning and then, in a matter of a few hours, I was slumped exhausted at home listening to reports of Nottingham Forest's promotion, Bournemouth's relegation and Fulham's continuing Houdini act. As modes and methods of travel become ever more efficient, the real-time distances between our continental compatriots shrink as Europe gets smaller and smaller. It is quicker and cheaper for me to travel to Paris that it is to Sunderland.

My own continental break in the French capital reminded me of a continental break that England and English fans will be experiencing this summer. Every couple of years, around about now, the nation is gearing up for a major international finals tournament, whether it is a World Cup or European Championship. But England's abject failure in the Euro 2008 qualification tournament means that we will have a summer off this time around.

The trip to Paris brought this fact quickly into focus for me. My mind has been occupied with the FA Cup, with Cardiff City, with Wembley and with other domestic end-of-season matters. The odd reminder of Euro 2008 had failed to take hold of my consciousness and any thoughts about the upcoming tournament had drifted out of my mind as silently and effortlessly as they had drifted in. But in Paris, there are constant reminders everywhere, the most striking of which are the mammoth posters adorning nearly every Métro station. "Les Bleus", the French national team, in full colour, looking down on you in action poses and looking forward to the big summer kick-about taking place in Austria and Switzerland.

At Gare du Nord station in Paris yesterday we shared a café au lait with a Dutch family. Their little girl took a liking to my son and came and sat next to him. Their au pair, after dealing swiftly and quite professionally with the aftermath of a comical, but rather messy, incident involving the little girl and a bottle of Coke, asked for a moments leave from her child-minding duties. She returned five minutes later with no less than five football magazines. She enthused about Netherlands' chances of winning the competition and was genuinely, and visibly, gripped with anticipation for Euro 2008. It was exactly at that moment that I realised, for the first time, that I wasn't.

Now is also the time that the Euro 2008 Panini sticker album will hit the streets. Since my son was born a little over eight years ago, we have fully completed Panini albums for Euros 2000 and 2004 and for the World Cups in both Korea/Japan and Germany. For each of those tournaments, the buying of the album and the collecting of the stickers was an important precursor to the main event, the event that would surely, at long last, see England lift a major trophy. The Panini sticker fest every other year fills that void between season's end and the start of summer tournament football and serves to whet the appetite and crank up the anticipation to popping point.

Always keen to stress that it was my son that was collecting the stickers, I used the feeble excuse to mask the inane sadness of it all. Either that or admit how freaky it is for a forty-something adult male to collect small pictures of footballers. But my son now sees it as it is; an important, necessary and unquestionable augmentation to the preparations for any major tournament.

But the thought of buying a Panini album this time round has only just entered my already full head. The first Euro 2008 game between Switzerland and the Czech Republic is only three weeks after the FA Cup Final, but I have hardly given it a second thought. It is May and I still haven't written all the Euro 2008 fixtures in my diary. How could I be so slack? No doubt England's absence is to blame. No constant reminders in the press. No daily assessments of England's likelihood of failure. No broken metatarsals to report. I shouldn't really be shocked. I will still buy a Euro 2008 Panini album. For my son of course. But not with quite the same verve as I would if England occupied a couple of the album pages.

As evident on my trip to France, and no doubt in the fifteen other competing countries around Europe, pre-tournament frenzy is taking hold and trading in Panini stickers will start to intensify. Fans across the continent will already have snapped up tickets for the tournament which is now sold out and hotel bookings would have been confirmed months ago. Supporters from Portugal, Croatia and Romania will be planning their visits to St Jakob Park, Ernst Happel Stadion and (how could I resist a mention) the Stade de Suisse Wankdorf.

It goes without saying that I will still watch Euro 2008. The anticipation and yearning may not be there now, but come early June I will quite likely find myself rushing home from work to catch Spain versus Russia or foregoing a night out to watch Austria and Poland. Don't ask me why.

So for many English fans, a continental break may well be on the cards this summer. A chance to take the family away without the worry of the awful prospect of being stranded in a foreign departure lounge at the exact moment England slot away that last minute goal which seals their first major trophy win for well over forty years. While England sit this one out, one team's continental break maybe be another family man's blessing in disguise.

Sons, fathers and football

The Middlesbrough tickets arrived yesterday. My son asked if one was for him. With the smallest pang of guilt I had to tell him no. He didn't look overly disappointed. He has no concept of the distance we will have to travel on Sunday. Not the best on long car journeys, my eight year old struggles with the eight minute trip to school so eight hours in the car in a single day would be too much for him. And for me.

My boy loves his football, more so playing than watching. Any father who is in to football takes great pride in seeing his child take up the sport. And many, including myself, can't help live their football lives through their child. It is difficult not to.

My son turned eight only recently. For his birthday he asked for a football shirt. A Tottenham Hotspur shirt. Living so close to London it was inevitable that he would end up supporting a London team. As sure as night follows day, he was never going to support my team. A League One team from up North, my team would always be way outside his radar in terms of geographical location and footballing quality.

An eight year old can be easily influenced. My son went through a stage of supporting the team of whomever he had seen most recently. If we visited friends from near Warrington, Cheshire, he would declare that he now supported Manchester United. If the son from a long-time friend of the family came for a sleepover, Liverpool would be his team of choice. One of his best friends at school supports Chelsea and my son, for a while, would follow suit. When he attends football courses with Fulham they become flavour of the month. From my own football trips he has grown up wearing a number of different football kits, ranging from England (all the white, red and blue variants) to RC Lens and PSV Eindhoven to Barcelona. My son even supported Dartford for a couple of weeks after I took him down to Princes Park on this FA Cup run back in September. And I plan to take him back. Kids of that age are fickle and understandably so. He is eight and following a number different teams is not an issue for him.

He used to tell people that he supported every team except my team.

When I myself was a similar age, I remember making a conscious decision about which football team I was going to support. That was a seminal point in my life. I had a choice of supporting my father's team, Manchester City, or a team that my best friend at school supported. I chose the latter. Only now do I realise how much that must have hurt my father. He used to take me to many games at Maine Road, and I hold dear those memories. My father is still a season ticket holder. If I ever said I never once felt slightly guilty about not choosing to support Manchester City, the team the rest of my family support, I would be lying. I harbour a soft spot for them still.

But I am determined not to influence my own son in anyway. He has to choose himself. But when he asked for a Tottenham shirt it arrived like a bolt out of the blue. Of all the London teams he could have gone for, this was the one I had hoped for least. Fulham, Chelsea, Arsenal, Charlton, Crystal Palace - even Reading. But Tottenham? Just like me a generation ago he was influenced by his best mate. His very best friend at school, who he has probably been friends with longest in his short life, supports Tottenham Hotspur and always has. Poor child.

When he asked for the shirt I was shocked. That initial response quickly gave way to a feeling of sickness - that awful stomach churning sensation that comes with the knowledge that you will have to do something you don't really want to do. Something unpleasant, but unavoidable. When I finally went to buy the shirt I asked the teenager behind the counter for a brown paper bag. She looked at me blankly. I couldn't be bothered to explain.

So now my son has another shirt for his collection. I cannot tell him not to wear it. I cannot refuse to take him to a Tottenham game, if he asks. The only saving grace is that if he becomes a true Tottenham supporter, he won't even want to go to watch them. He'll just sit at home and moan. But whatever happens, whatever football choices he makes now or at any point in the future, I will still love him more than I can ever explain.

I just hope this is a phase he's going through and it will pass. I really, really do.

Cambridge United - an introduction

After the diversions of England and Staines Town, time now to get back to the matter in hand; Cambridge United v Weymouth, which is now less than a week away. Planning for the trip is underway; a couple of friends are gearing themselves up for the journey with me (poor things), another friend (a Cambridge local) will be meeting us there and I have an interview with a journalist (the second in three weeks). And, lest I forget, a game of football to watch to top it all off.

As my regular readers know (good grief, how pretentious does that sound?), Weymouth took over the mantle when they disposed of Eastbourne Borough in the First Round Proper. They will travel to Cambridge on Saturday and, as a consequence, I will be travelling there too.

Cambridge United FC play at The Abbey Stadium and have done so since 1932; they share their ground with Cambridge Regional College FC who only formed in 2006 as a feeder club and youth academy to their hosts. The current capacity at The Abbey is 9,617; the game on Saturday is not all ticket, but a reasonable crowd of 4,000+ is being predicted in some quarters. The club are giving out vouchers at the game which will give holders priority for tickets in the Third Round Proper, should they advance. This shrewd move alone will swell the gate.

The game on Saturday will be an all Conference tie, but I still think of Cambridge United as a league team. They spent thirty five years playing league football before their demotion in 2005, which brought with it a brief flirtation with administration. The sale of their ground and a last minute deal with the HM Revenue and Customs saw the club survive.

Cambridge United, known as Abbey United until 1951, have fond memories of the FA Cup, none more so than in 1990 and 1991 when great cup runs saw them reach the last eight of the competition in consecutive seasons. The 1990 cup run ended at Highbury with a 2-1 reverse against Arsenal in front of 43,000 spectators. And I sense that many Cambridge fans would relish the prospect of another captivating cup run this season.

And talking of the Cambridge fans...

In the build up to the FA Cup game on Saturday, I have had some rather bizarre correspondence from a few Cambridge fans. I have been asked whether I like ducks (?), whether I knew about the club's "Magic Pond" (??) and whether I knew about the moose that was found grazing on the pitch at the Abbey Stadium (???). If anyone can throw any light on this, please contact me. Or just call me gullible.

Oh, and here's one last interesting fact. Cambridge United's record victory (in March of this year) was 7-0.

Against Weymouth.

Another crucial game

A quick post before the agony that comes with watching an England game. The England game tonight against Croatia that, not surprisingly, has been billed as our “most crucial game” for some time.

Our most crucial game since…well, since the last most crucial game.

That was Israel v Russia, wasn’t it? And there was the must win game in Russia before that? In fact, if we were to believe the media, aren't all England games “must win” games? All of them "most crucial"? If we qualify tonight, the next must win game will be in Austria or Switzerland. Once over there it will no doubt be the last group game that will be "the biggest game England have ever had". And then the quarter-final tie will be our "most important game since 1966". And then the semi-final which, of course, we will eventually lose on penalties.

But our most crucial game tonight will load even more pressure on Steve McClaren, if that is at all possible. He looks physically burdened. I don’t envy him, or any England manager, for that matter. Not in the slightest.

The burden of the expectation of a nation must be, at times, unbearable. The pressure must be constant, win or lose. The type of pressure that is always there; it follows you; it chases you; it is waiting for you at every turn. It stalks you in your waking hours; it haunts you in your dreams. There is no let up.

Steve McClaren will be ripped apart tonight if England don’t qualify. He will be damned if we do. How does he cope with the pressure? How does it affect him, his family or his friends?

It takes a particular strength of character to survive immense pressure of this kind. McClaren would not have been my first choice as England manager (not that I was asked, mind) and I, like many others, have never been totally comfortable with his selections or formations.

But just for tonight, for an individual that has the weight of a nation punishing every sinew of his body, I wish him well. And for his sake, I hope England get the result they need.

It is, after all, our most crucial game. Ever.

A lifeline?

England have just been given one of these...

Talk about a nail biting game.

I need to go for a lie down now.

Game 7: Bromley 1, Dartford 0

3rd Qualifying Round
Saturday October 13th 2007

Kick Off 1:00pm

Attendance: 1022
Weather: Warm and dry

Distance travelled: 96 miles


Stepping into Bromley's ground felt like stepping back in time. The club was founded in 1892 and moved to Hayes Lane in 1938 and I'd hazard a guess that, with the exception of the new John Fiorini Stand and several coats of black tar and paint, little much has changed. Much of the old ground is black and white. There are two black stands at either end of the ground each with white supports; black benches behind one goal; white barriers on the terracing with one of the terraces being completely open down the length of the ground. The club colours are black and white. Many Bromley supporters were adorned with the old fashioned long, knitted, black and white striped scarves. Relics from years gone by (the scarves that is, not the supporters).

All this seemed to create an evocative and nostalgic air to the place. The club shop window (within the ground) displayed ageing black and white and sepia toned photographs of past glories. Pictures of big, proud footballers peering through the mists of time in their big leather boots and big shorts. Even older team shots with players sporting between-the-war caps, the obligatory football middle centre with it's big laces.

I liked the place as soon as I walked into it, and I don't recall visiting a football ground that felt so immersed in it's past. The PA announcer added to this ambience; the Mr Cholmondley-Warner voice evoking memories of post-war radio football and FA Cup finals played out in black and white. I thought I even heard the sound of an odd rattle or two echo around the old stands. In many years time I'm sure I''ll remember yesterday's match in monochrome, a variety of shades of grey.

And what a glorious day it was to enjoy the game. Sunny and short-sleeve shirt warm, not bad for October. The supporters were out in force, over 1000 including an estimated 400+ from Dartford. And we were all treated to a good game of football.

The 1-0 scoreline suggests that there was little between the teams, and this was almost the case, but not quite. Dartford did well against a Bromley team who looked very comfortable on the ball. Playing their league football at two levels above Dartford, Bromley seemed to have a lot more time on the ball and managed to regularly find that extra yard of space. I always felt that Bromley would win this tie, but they didn't seem to finish Dartford off as easily as their dominance suggested. And in all honesty, they were dominant without totally domineering. Erm, strange thing to say I know, but they didn't quite take a strangle-hold on the game. Yes, Bromley had lots of possession. Yes, they made the better use of the big pitch. Yes, they stroked the ball around technically well and confidently. But at the end of it all they failed to turn their superiority into goals.

And this allowed Dartford to have some spells in the game whereby they may well have contrived to snatch a draw. Dartford resorted to hitting Bromley on the break, but Dartford's lack of firepower up front resulted in few shots that really tested the Bromley keeper. The only sign of weakness for Bromley was their rather static back three (or was it five?) and Dartford managed on a few occasions to get behind them. Unfortunately for Dartford they failed to inflict any damage.
On the 55th minute Bromley were awarded a penalty when a strong flat run across the edge of the area was unceremoniously ended with a hearty man and ball challenge just inside the box which left the referee with little choice but to point to the spot. The incident occurred at the opposite end from where we were standing so it was difficult to say if it was a valid penalty or not. There seemed to be little protest from the Dartford players. Danny Hockton took the kick which was well saved by Tony Kessell but Hockton pounced on the rebound to turn it into the net.

The goal seem to spark a little more life into Dartford. The Dartford fans upped the noise level and the away team regained some control of the game. But as in the first half, they lacked any quality in the final third and just couldn't lay off the killer pass. Andy Walker in the Bromley goal had very little to do. At the same time, Bromley seemed to be cruising in a lower gear; they played some neat football out from the back and most of their game was calm and controlled. But you always sensed that Bromley were perhaps a little too laid back, and a late equaliser from Dartford always seemed feasible.
But this never came. Bromley finished with a flourish and a couple of very good saves from Kessell kept the score at 1-0. Overall just about a fair result, but only just. I was particularly impressed with Bromley's nippy little number 11, Sam Wood, who possessed a great deal of pace and never stopped running for the cause. Kessell in the Dartford goal also played his part. A good cup game.

At the final whistle we headed for the bar to watch England stroll past Estonia; a great way to finish off the visit. The new stand and and bar at Hayes Lane are quite impressive, but I'm not sure why they put the two Plasma TV screens in such awkward to watch positions behind the bar. Ho hum.

And so my FA Cup Road to Wembley baton now passes to Bromley. And sadly, it is goodbye to Dartford.

I have seen Dartford play five times on this run and I feel as if I have grown to know the club a little. Their supporters are a great advert for the game in the lower leagues. They support their team in numbers both home and away, are most vocal and have been a great bunch to correspond with.

At this point I must say hello to 'custdart' and 'eagle88' both of whom I met at the game yesterday. Thank you for your very kind comments about this blog, it means a lot to me. I'm sorry to see Dartford go out. One thing I do know is that there is every chance I will pay a visit to Princes Park again in the future. My son keeps nagging me!

And now onward with Bromley. With a ground that oozes a sense of the past it is time for Bromley to look ahead and dream of a potential money-spinning FA Cup run. Only one more round before the 1st Round Proper. Bromley fans have every reason to be excited of what the future may bring.

And why not? After all, nostaliga is not what it used to be.

Bromley FC

It's just under a week now to the FA Cup 3rd Qualifying Round game between Bromley and Dartford. This will be game number seven for me, and the fifth time I have seen Dartford. However, it will be my first ever visit to Bromley FC.

Bromley play at Hayes Lane and are in the Blue Square South League (previously known as the Conference South). At one level below the Conference, this will be the highest team in the pyramid that I will have seen in this season's competition. They are two levels above Dartford. Bromley are currently 8th in their league, having lost their unbeaten home record yesterday in a 3-1 reverse against Eastbourne Borough.

In the FA Cup this season they entered at the last round (2nd Qualifying) where they needed a replay and extra time to dispose of Aylesbury United. The first game at Aylesbury finished 1-1 and the replay at Hayes Lane ended 4-2 to Bromley (2-2 after 90 minutes).

Bromley have one of the best average attendances in the league (643), but still lower than Dartford's average. The omens look good for a big crowd. Dartford travel in numbers, both teams are geographically close, and some of the local league teams (e.g. Charlton Athletic) are not playing because of the England game. There is every chance that this game could attract the biggest crowd on this FA Cup journey so far.

This game will be an early (1pm) kick off which sets up the rest of the day nicely; a pie and a pint and then cheer on England against Estonia.

Bromley, Dartford, England and Estonia. What a heady mix.

Aylesbury or Bromley?

The draw for the 3rd Qualifying Round of the FA Cup was made today and much to my relief the following came out:

Aylesbury United or Bromley v Dartford or Camberley Town

Not conclusive, but one thing I know is that it won't be a trip to Kent for the next round - although I have to say that Bromley is dangerouly close!

The Aylesbury v Bromley game on Saturday ended 1-1. The replay is on Tuesday evening, the same night as the Camberley v Dartford game. By late Tuesday I will know where I'm off to next, but I would be happy with either.

I would guess that Bromley are now the favourites to progress; they play in the Blue Square South, one level below the Conference. Aylesbury play in the grandly named British Gas Football League Division One Midlands, two levels below Bromley.

Travel wise, both clubs are pretty close for me. The game is pencilled in for Saturday 13th October, but that is the same day that England take on Estonia in a Euro 2008 qualifier. There is every chance that the game may be moved to an earlier slot on the Saturday or to either Friday evening or Sunday.

Best keep the whole weekend free then.

England v Israel

Don't worry about the game on Saturday. England have nothing to fear. The manager has it all under control. Sorted.

Steve McClaren was on the radio this morning, and he said, in answer to a question about what he has told his England players ahead of this vital game: "I've told the team nothing".

Wonderful.